Payphone
Monday, 25 June 2012 | 05:52 | 0
Have you ever felt like your mind is so occupied but there's nothing except emptiness? Have you ever felt so hungry but you don't feel like eating? Have you ever felt so sleepy but you're not sleeping? Cause that's exactly how I am feeling every day. I am so fucking tired, but i can't sleep with all my thoughts, i'm so fucking hungry all the time, but i have no appetite, I tried to stop my thoughts but my brain just seems to be running. It feels like i can't control myself, my mind, my body anymore.
Never had a heartbreak this bad before, it caught me off guard i guess. Not prepared for it, not ready at all. But well I guess I should be expecting since it was my fault. I can't bear to let go, can't bear to leave everything we once had, can't bear to move on. It seems like I am stuck in that time. Sometimes i would look back at all the pictures we took and wonder why didn't we take more? Staring at a particular picture and remembering the memories of that day.
It all ended too soon too quick too fast too pain too teary. I don't know why, but my heart still can't bear to change your contact or delete anything. I have no idea how J manage to find the courage to delete everything related to W, when i can't even do any shit. Guess that's why it's harder for me to let go and move on. I thought going for a drinking session would help, but i guess i was wrong. Woke up feeling worst than ever. I thought having a H2H session would help, but i was also wrong, it just reminds me of how much i still love you and it reminds me of how much you don't love me back anymore and the same shit starts over again.
Now i just wish i could leave forever, literally leave. But ways to leave are all either painful or scary. I wouldn't dare to try. And it would be very selfish for me to just leave like that. Why is life so hard? So hard to carry on. So hard to move on. Waking up everyday makes me wonder why do i still have to get through today? why didn't I die in my sleep yesterday? I know you're never coming back ever again. but i also don't know why i can't accept that fact. It's like head battling the heart. My head wants to walk away, but my heart tells me to stay. What am I suppose to do already? :(
Lost and confused. I just wish you were still mine, still telling the 'i love you' and 'i miss you', all your random hugs and kisses. Cuddling to bed, watching movies. Drinking Gongcha, eating wobbly. *sigh* Those are just simply memories now, If happy ever after exist, i would still be holding you like this. If only there are erasers for memories i would totally need one right now. I wish i could go into coma for like a few years so i could wake up and feel like life restarted for me.
Now that you've moved on, I wish you all the best for your future, in studies, love whatever aspects there are , the person you love will love you back way better than i did, that you would manage to graduate with the results you want and be a happy boy, cause now all i want to see, is you being happy, that would make me happy. So promise me and yourself to always be happy.
Sigh, time to put all these thoughts as far away as i can for the day although i know when the night falls it will all come floating back into my head all over again. Time to pause and prepare to head to school... Gonna be so zombified cause i was up all night. but whatever, Happy people, please spread some happiness and i hope ya'll remain happy. Sad people, please cheer up. xx Goodnight <3 or should I be saying Good Morning?
xoxo
"Still stuck in that time where we call it love"
