Almost Lovers
Thursday, 19 July 2012 | 22:25 | 0
(Not directing at anyone, so don't assume)
Sometimes you really have to stop and think whether what you're doing is right or not, cause every word you let out from your mouth and every small action you do is slowly shaping you, defining you, giving people a chance to judge you. You may think it's normal, it's common practise, but facts are, they aren't. You thought so only.
It's getting annoying knowing too much yet there's just no one i could rant to, sigh. I really miss days when I'm so innocent and i wouldn't even have to use the words 'no offense' cause we are innocent to the extent that we wouldn't give a fuck to anything and life was just so carefree.
You call it trust issues? I call it ain't putting in the effort. I mean seriously if you don't put in the extra effort to try to believe in someone, obviously it's not even going to happen, you will obviously always have doubts about that person. Unless that person broke the trust they earned, then yes, you have the rights to doubt or distrust, but if they did no wrong, why can't you trust? It all boils down to self at the end of the day.
I hate it when I'm close to that person and I automatically assume she/he will understand me and know me way better, actually turn out to not understand me at all. It makes me feel stupid. Like, I feel cheated. I thought you knew me, you understood my thoughts, but no. You actually didn't. You actually assumed i was something else. That fascinates me pretty much. Cause that makes me doubt whether, i too, knows you or not.
I know sometimes the over-thinking gets to people, like you would think too much, read too much into things that are actually simple. But you would have to let your guard down at times to let people in. If you're gonna think that everyone has a motive, everyone just wants to watch you go down so you're closing up and protecting yourself, then no. You're way wrong. If you're not gonna try, the person that is trying will give up, give up on you and you would realize the good you had, only until it's gone. Is it going to be worth it then?
I just can't learn how to believe in you or how to pull myself away. It's so hard. It's all getting so overwhelming, It's like i've a 1001 and one things to say and ask you and tell you. But I can't even do 1 out of the 1001 because it would jeopardy your mental state and the friendships. I don't even know what I can do or how to help you. It's so frustrating not being able to help when there's just so much i wish i could do.
Sigh, What an emotional night after a tiring day of school.... Had Amaths test which i think i can finally pass! and an Emaths Test which I made many silly mistakes and a geog test which i would seriously thank god if i could even get a mark cause out of 40 mins i spent 35 mins sleeping. Oh wow. Shermaine, way to go yeah?
Btw, i love how united 5/3 finally is!! Like after so much stupid conflicts and what not, we are back to that sec3 spirit! wooohoooo. i love my class right now, almost everyone is dressing up for Racial Harmony day tomorrow! Yay! It's gonna be a PHOTO SPAM day, What makes the day better is that 4block of mother tongue! The cameras would all be out, so would the bright smiles :) Can't wait for Tmrw's 7pm though, cause it would mark the end of my misery of this week.
Had cleared my detention today, BADASS name removed for Stella's Blacklist's i hope! ooops, kinda bet i'm the most horrible student right now in IJ but whatever who gives a shit anw, i'm graduating and it's YOLO. Well, can't wait for saturday to come as it would be girls' night out. Meeting my babies and probably heading for some drinks (again). God bless my liver, really. HAHA.
Anyway to end off, I just wanna ask, d'you mean what you said? Cause it sucks knowing how excited i got over what you said, and it was kinda like a -just for that day- You don't even bother replying me anymore and I don't even know if it's because i'm an irritant or because you just can't be bothered, OR whatever the reason may be. I don't even know and don't even want to think about it. But my head can't stop thinking. I'm so annoyed by myself to the extent, i think i hate myself. I hate how i miss you so bad. I hate how you matter so much to me when i don't to you. I hate how i still get butterflies knowing your name appeared on my phone. I hate how i still can't bring myself to do thing/go places that contains many happy memories with you. I hate so many things but they all link back to myself and never you. Hating on so much, yet still deeply loving you. What can I do to get rid of this heart ache? To move on? Tell me how. Teach me.
I need a wise, to help me, save me from this pathetic self.
xoxo
"well, i never want to see you unhappy."
